tremors and ativan

A year ago I found myself explaining to my husband who I was.  Completely spent from having continual pseudo-seizures and snowed from countless medications to stop the convulsions, my strong, funny, endearing husband had no idea that we were married and had two little boys.  His mind had reset to a ‘happier’ time where he was sure of himself and where we stood.

The past few years had been rough on our marriage.  The death of our niece and the subsequent falling out with his sister over our pregnancy before miscarrying left both us unable to verbalize all our pain.  Our marriage began to crumble and continued to do so since neither of us were brave enough to say what we were really thinking.

Eventually like all things, it came to a head.  While we were deciding what our next steps would be, Mike developed seizure-like episodes.  He spent 5 days in two different hospitals before it was decided that Mike had developed pseudo-seizures from extreme stress and anxiety.  It began our adventure in to doctor appointments, therapy, medication checks and rechecks, and meeting with psychologists.

Through the year, Mike’s pseudo-seizures have not recurred, but has left him with tremors when extremely agitated and stressed.  Most people just passing by wouldn’t even notice the slight shaking of his leg or a tremor to his hand.  But I do. 

This past month has felt like I was back in that hospital looking out at the river, questioning myself and the doctors what the best steps would be for Mike’s care.  His medication was no longer effective, and the tremors had been getting stronger.  Calling to schedule appointments to have his medications readjusted felt like I was bashing my head against the wall.  The nurses were unhelpful, and that’s being nice.

Eventually we ended up in the same emergency room where Mike had been the year before.  Thankfully the doctor who saw Mike was able to prescribe a rescue medication to help.  The instant the medication kicked in I could see the relief in his tense body.  I was able to breath for the moment.  After a week or so Mike met with his doctor and his medications adjusted.  Currently Mike is dealing with some of the side effects to the medication, his anxiety is lower, and his tremors, while still present aren’t nearly as strong.

While this has been exhausting for both of us, I feel like our marriage is stronger than it’s ever been.  We’ve been making slow steps in relearning how to communicate better with each other, and what we both need to feel loved in our marriage.