tremors and ativan

A year ago I found myself explaining to my husband who I was.  Completely spent from having continual pseudo-seizures and snowed from countless medications to stop the convulsions, my strong, funny, endearing husband had no idea that we were married and had two little boys.  His mind had reset to a ‘happier’ time where he was sure of himself and where we stood.

The past few years had been rough on our marriage.  The death of our niece and the subsequent falling out with his sister over our pregnancy before miscarrying left both us unable to verbalize all our pain.  Our marriage began to crumble and continued to do so since neither of us were brave enough to say what we were really thinking.

Eventually like all things, it came to a head.  While we were deciding what our next steps would be, Mike developed seizure-like episodes.  He spent 5 days in two different hospitals before it was decided that Mike had developed pseudo-seizures from extreme stress and anxiety.  It began our adventure in to doctor appointments, therapy, medication checks and rechecks, and meeting with psychologists.

Through the year, Mike’s pseudo-seizures have not recurred, but has left him with tremors when extremely agitated and stressed.  Most people just passing by wouldn’t even notice the slight shaking of his leg or a tremor to his hand.  But I do. 

This past month has felt like I was back in that hospital looking out at the river, questioning myself and the doctors what the best steps would be for Mike’s care.  His medication was no longer effective, and the tremors had been getting stronger.  Calling to schedule appointments to have his medications readjusted felt like I was bashing my head against the wall.  The nurses were unhelpful, and that’s being nice.

Eventually we ended up in the same emergency room where Mike had been the year before.  Thankfully the doctor who saw Mike was able to prescribe a rescue medication to help.  The instant the medication kicked in I could see the relief in his tense body.  I was able to breath for the moment.  After a week or so Mike met with his doctor and his medications adjusted.  Currently Mike is dealing with some of the side effects to the medication, his anxiety is lower, and his tremors, while still present aren’t nearly as strong.

While this has been exhausting for both of us, I feel like our marriage is stronger than it’s ever been.  We’ve been making slow steps in relearning how to communicate better with each other, and what we both need to feel loved in our marriage.  

instafriday :: vol 1

Do you instagram?

I do!  I love it.  You can follow me @emilyacarver 

and I would love to follow you too!  

Just let me know where to find you!

Here's our life via instagram this week...

Since Mike had been requested to work extra hours for a special event at work, I met up with my middle sister, Maggi and my nephew Harper at the MN Zoo.  I love that we have a membership and live only 15 minutes from the zoo!

FUN FACT ::  I actually went to high school at the MN Zoo at a school called the School of Environmental Studies...it was awesome!

This is Harper...he's hilarious.  Seriously had me laughing during our entire trip to the zoo.  I'll have to do a post on all the "Harperisms" I've heard.

So Evan decided that an hour before bedtime he wanted me to do his hair...it's super long even for him and love that he actually wanted me to play with his hair.  Sorry as a boy mom...I almost never get the chance to play and style hair since the boys have no patience for it!

What have you been up to this week?

hopes & plans :: vol 2

I'm once again joining Amanda for her weekly linkup for hopes and plans for the week...

Last week...

:: one :: really enjoy my birthday - while things didn't really happen the way I had intended, I really did have a pretty good birthday.  Maybe one of the best I have had in years.

:: two ::  set up a plan for self-care - sort of...I made an appointment to see my doctor about being referred to a therapist who can really help me flush out a plan and keep me accountable...so hopefully by the end of august I'll have a concrete plan.

:: three :: set goals for the next six months with the hubby - on hold for now :: Mike and I had a date to sit down and talk but Mike had a relapse with his tremors for his anxiety.  Until we can get his medication back under control and get him back to "normal" (I use that term loosely) we won't really be able to sit down and figure it out. 

:: four :: get all the baby stuff to my sister's - nope...since Mike's relapse a lot of the things we had planned for the weekend including this meant it got put on the back burner...but this week...I promise.

This week...

:: one :: get all the baby stuff to my sister's - since I don't work this weekend and have no real plans for other activities, this really needs to happen.

:: two :: go on a walk every day - this is part of myself care plan...to take some time to get out in nature and just soak it in.  As well as to help get me back into the swing of things for working out and losing weight.

:: three :: deep clean the master bedroom - this is my 'big' project for Friday night while Mike is working late and the boys are sleeping.

:: four ::  getting Mike's medications in order - until about a week ago Mike's medications were working, but this past weekend they have suddenly stopped for whatever reason.  This could mean a few things, but it means checking in with his primary for new medications and seeking out another psychiatrist to make sure the medications will actually work for him.

What are you up to this week?

where i needed to be

{ sleeping toddler }

This weekend has been a long one.  I worked when I normally don't.  Met my youngest sister for a late lunch.  Mike's phone decided to die and meant we spent an evening with getting it repaired.  Met up with the sister in law so the cousins could play.  Then sat through the worse sacrament meeting I have ever sat through in my life.

The boys were bouncing off the walls.  Hitting each other, throwing things, and being utterly disruptive as much as possible.  I was absolutely ready to through in the towel when I tried to drop off Alex in nursery and he exploded into tears.  After spending an hour trying to control the uncontrollable, I had been looking forward to attending Sunday school and hearing some sort of spiritual message.  But that was not the plan.

Alex eventually calmed down and fell asleep in my arms and I moved into the mother's lounge to sit in a more comfortable chair while holding my sleeping sweat ball of a toddler.  Initially I was angry.  Angry that I was sitting there after weeks of not attending church because of the boys being sick for one reason or another and instead of getting the spiritual food I desperately needed, I was stuck a small room with a sleeping toddler.

I know that I could have tried to sneak into Sunday school class and catch something, but holding Alex in my arms and rocking him, I felt peace.  THIS was where I needed to be today.  In a small room, holding this baby while he slept.  I may not have heard any of the spiritual messages I craved today, but I was reminded that before too long I won't be able to rock with a sleeping baby on my lap.  These days are numbered and I need to treasure them before they are all gone.

currently :: vol 2

{ butterfly garden at the MN Zoo }

This week I turned 29.  My birthday was quiet but I wouldn't change it.  Next year since both Mike and I turn 30, we plan on going sky diving to "scream" in our thirties.  Otherwise this week has been busy, but next week things will return to normal for a little bit.

But here's what I've been up to currently...

READING ::  this week I finished Linger by Maggie Stiefvater and Royally Lost by Angie Stanton.  I'm about half way through City of Bones by Cassandra Clare.  

WRITING :: my 30 by 30 list.  I plan on writing a post about it this week, but I'm trying to finalize all the things I hope to do before I turn the big 3-0 in a year.

LISTENING :: i went to go see TFIOS on my birthday and now I can't get the main theme out of my head.

THINKING ::  it's been a long weekend I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow...which is a little sad but at least I know what I'm getting into when I'm seeing my clients.

SMELLING ::  lavender...Mike hasn't been sleeping well, so I'm hoping by putting coconut oil and some lavender in our scentsy, that it will help.

HOPING :: for some calmness this week.  I'm sure that with us getting back to our normal schedule for the next few weeks, things will fall into place.

WISHING :: for beautiful weather this week.  The boys really need to expend all the energy they have by running around outside as much as possible, but it's difficult when it's raining or so humid you feel like you are walking through clouds.

WEARING :: jammies...because it's that kind of day...

LOVING :: this quote...

source

WANTING :: this.  I really want to get into running.  Evan is old enough to ride his bike but our little stroller that would carry Alex can't handle running on trails when I finally work up to them.  While it may not be this exact one.  I really am looking into investing in to a good jogging stroller.

NEEDING :: a good massage.  hopefully soon...

FEELING :: slightly optimistic about this last year in my twenties.  I need it to be a good one.

CLINKING :: every sunday

hopes & plans :: vol 1

This is my first time joining Amanda @ Marry Mint and her weekly link up ::  Hopes & Plans.  A weekly goal-oriented post about the things you want to accomplish this week, month, etc.

This week my goals are ::

:: one :: really enjoy my birthday - past years I've relied to heavily on others to make my birthday fantastic, instead I'm going to just deal if my home is a mess and just do whatever it is I want to do that day even if that means staying in bed with a cup of tea and a good book.

:: two ::  set up a plan for self-care - I spend a majority of my day helping others or putting their needs in front of mine.  This has left me drained and barely able to function most evenings.  So I hope by putting a plan in place I can become more functional and happy with my life.

:: three :: set goals for the next six months with the hubby - a lot of the times Mike and I aren't on the same page.  We've been talking about a few things we hope to accomplish by the end of this year, but I think we need to really sit down and make a plan for how to accomplish our goals.

:: four :: get all the baby stuff to my sister's - Now that Alex is officially out of the baby stage and my sister is actively trying for her second child, it's time to get rid of the baby stuff so we have more room and she has want she needs when her second comes along.

currently :: vol 1

{ cousins at the parade }

First off, WELCOME!  I used to blog over at Dear Littles and since I'm turning 29 on Wednesday, I realized that I needed to move on to something different.  I had been going back and forth about a new blog and finally pulled the trigger.  This week will be full of me playing around with the design and layout - so bear with me.

This past week was full of sick boys.  Both with high fevers and had UAs done but we have yet to hear anything.  But both are back to their normal selves - so I'll take that as a win.  But luckily we were able to go to the 4th of July parade in Eagan along with all of Mike's family and later we went to fireworks in Apple Valley with my sister and nephew.  It was a blast and we are still recovering...but here's what I've been up.

CURRENTLY

READING :: I finished Cress by Marissa Meyer and have been working on both Linger by Maggie Stiefvater & The perks of being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.  I'm hoping to finish them before Wednesday but if not that's okay since I'll probably send most of my birthday in bed reading.

WRITING :: Since I decided to start a new blog - I have started writing the new pages but I figure I will spend sometime tweaking them.  As well as really taking a look at my 30 by 30 list and revamping that as well.

LISTENING ::  To Futurama on Comedy Central - simply because my husband just spent the past two hours mowing my sister's lawn while her husband is away for work in Afghanistan.  I figure I owe him some tv time.

THINKING :: Of all the things I need to get done tomorrow and Tuesday so I can just sit back and relax on Wednesday.  I've already told my husband that after I drop the boys off, I plan on turning off my phone (or just putting it on silent) and spend the day however I choose.

SMELLING :: Cleaning chemicals...from all the cleaning and scrubbing that was for naught. 

HOPING :: My boys sleep tonight.  Since they were sick, the boys didn't really sleep this week.  They have some what gotten back to their normal schedules but it would be awesome if I could sleep until I really have to get up...

WISHING :: I knew web design better.  All the tutorials on pinterest are awesome, but it seems to take forever to find the ones I really need or the ones that actually work.

WEARING ::  cleaning clothes...ick.

LOVING :: That I am now only working every fourth weekend.  This means that I won't have to work a weekend until the end of the month which means we can go to the farmer's market next weekend and maybe even the MN Zoo.

WANTING :: fresh pens and a new journal...simply because mine is a little ragged and a new journal with fresh pages is full of possibilities.

NEEDING:: A housekeeper.  I spent the day cleaning our home and I still didn't get all the cleaning done that I had hoped to.  I feel like as soon as I get things clean - the tornadoes that are all of my boys (yes, even the biggest) destroy our home in record speed.

FEELING :: Hopeful.  With my birthday in 3 days, I'm hopeful that my last year in my twenties will really bring me new things...

What you been up to?