ADHD

I often don't talk about Alex's diagnosis with ADHD.  People hear ADHD and opinions start flowing.  Opinions if ADHD is even real.  Opinions on it's just a phase.  Opinions on he's too young to have that diagnosis.  Opinions on medications, therapies, and if I was just a better parent we wouldn't be here.  However, today, my heart hurts too much not talk about the struggles and the reality we live in with Alex's diagnosis.

Alex has always been my wild child.  Loves hard, and plays even harder.  Every emotion was (and still is) a huge emotion.  There was and still no middle ground.  Many days and nights before his diagnosis, I would pray how I could be a better parent.  I would spend countless nights crying to Mike that if only I loved him harder, spent more time with him, our issues would just go away.

Last spring it was made abundantly clear I no longer had any idea how to help Alex.  I didn't have the tool set to deal with the tantrums that would last hours, the impulsiveness, the inflexibility, or the intensity.  All of it was starting to harm his self-esteem as well.  After a couple of doctor appointments with our pediatrician we came out with his fresh diagnosis and referrals to behavioral therapy and occupational therapy.  A few weeks in we added physical therapy to our therapy appointments.  In December we officially received an IEP for him through the school district, and now attends a preschool at the community center with a special education teacher.

I have learned so much from reading book after book, meetings with therapists and special education teachers.  If nothing else it's helped me understand my husband who also shares the diagnosis.  Alex senses the world more intensely and quicker than most people.  He has difficulty with the sides of his brain working together, as well as the mechanism that tells you where you are in the world, doesn't work well for him.  He easily becomes obsessed with thoughts and has the inflexibility to not let it go until it has been resolved (which can be days or weeks away).  He does best on strict schedules with no deviation, anything new or different can make the next few days hell. 

We have seen small improvements since starting all of this.  We've gone from just having a good day to having a good week or two.  Then it comes crashing down and I have no idea which way is up.

Alex is currently having a bad week.  The tantrums over anything and everything start from the moment he wakes up until he goes to bed.  From the frustration, he bites and picks at his skin.  He doesn't quite know how to communicate what he needs, so it becomes a guessing game.  I often find I'm choosing wrong.  My heart aches for him, because at times, I can do nothing but ride it out with him.

It was recommended that we move forward on considering medications and seeing a developmental psychiatrist.  If only to rule out other issues and to find what will help him best.  I had hoped we were years away from this step, but this where we are now.  It has been extremely difficult to share this side of our lives.  Those who walk the same path understand and empathize.  Those who don't often spout of opinions with no thought of how hurtful they can be. 

Alex's ADHD will be a live long issue.  It will look different next year and the year after, and the year after.  Our hope is that we can find ways to help him build the tools he needs to be successful in life, whatever that looks like for him.

hopes & plans

When I logged onto blogger today, I hadn't realized that it had been over a month since I had posted here.  I'm not sure why I had taken some time off. I'm sure it was all the craziness that comes with the holidays and life is now finding a balance again.

Any who, in the spirit of getting back on the horse, I'm linking up with Amanda and her weekly link up hopes & plans

image via Amanda

this week ::

{1} revamping the blog :: While I love my color scheme, since I'm going to devote more time to blogging, I feel like I need to revamp the blog a little.  Maybe new buttons, and refreshing my pages, and finding a solid voice for this blog.

{2} survive the pinewood derby ::  We are in full cub scout swing and the pinewood derby is tomorrow.  It's going to be an uber long evening and since Mike will be working, I'll be on my own.  I'm hoping that Alex will play along and let us enjoy the night instead of running in the opposite direction.

{3} planning meeting with Mike :;  The boys received a few awesome 'experience' gifts for Christmas, but Mike and I need to take a look at when we can fit these things in.

{4} go through our book shelves ::  Over book shelves are over loaded with novels and text books, it's time to clear out the junk and keep the books we really want.

It's good to be back!  What are you up to this week?

good.

Thanksgiving week, my mom made the 9 hour journey from Wichita, KS to St. Paul, MN to spend the holiday with her 3 daughters, son in-law, and 3 grandsons.  It had been 18 months since I personally had seen my mom and it was good to able to hug her.  I still had to work that whole week since I didn’t know she was coming up until it was impossible to request the time off.

But we found a time Wednesday night before Thanksgiving to spend the evening eating juicy bacon cheese burgers and drinking house-made ginger ale and discuss everything about life.  We talked about the usual things you talk about when you catch up, but quickly our conversation led to relationships.  Over the past 2 years, my marriage had been struggling, my relationships with my sisters left something to be desired, and I barely got along with my husband’s family long enough to get through a meal without becoming physically exhausted.

But how things have changed in most aspects in the past year.

My marriage is steady and strong.  We’ve finally ready to come out of survival mode, and start thriving.  Instead of just trying to figure out how to get through the day after his mental break, we are able to plan for moving to a new home come summer and faintly discuss more babies in the next few years.

I had long ago learned that my parents are just people, with their own lives and needs.  That holding onto my expectations of what I thought they should be, would only hurt my heart.  Since letting those go, I have realized that I am not loved any less by them because I don’t speak or see them daily, and speaking with them every few weeks was okay.

The best lesson I have ever learned that it’s entirely possible to love someone and not like their choices or behavior.  I love my sisters deeply and so glad that they are now my very best friends.  I don’t necessarily agree with something they choose for themselves, but it’s their choice to make.  I can’t imagine going a day without at least sending a quick text or funny meme to them.

When Mike and I first married, I had imagined my relationships with my husband’s family to be quite different than they currently are.  I have personally struggled to find my place and my comfort with various members of Mike’s family.  But I have come to a place of acceptance that things are just going to be the way they are, and that’s okay.  At times I still find these relationships to be emotionally draining, but I can now get through a family event with a smile on my face and my dignity intact.

Relationships are funny that way.  How they can go from almost nonexistent or tumultuous to being good.

 

if we were besties :: 29 random facts about me

If you and I were besties...

...you would know that I'm the oldest of 4 children.  My parents had us all in four and a half years, so they were very, um, busy.

...you would know that my parents divorced when I was 13, but they co-parented expertly.  Seriously...If I was grounded at one house, I was grounded at the other.

...you would know that I got married when I was only twenty years old and our whole relationship before that was only 9 months.  We started dating, 3 months later we were engaged, and 6 months after that we were married.

...you would know that I always knew I would be a boy mom.  As a tom-boy growing up, I had few girlfriends and got a long way better with boys.  I figured it would be way easier to raise boys then girls.  Although now, I have softened to the idea of a girl.

...you would know that I work in Home Care & Hospice, and that I have found a passion in palliative care.

...you would know that my favorite place in the whole world is at a barn.  That I crave the smell of hay and horses.

...you would know that I hated my siblings growing up, but now I know that I would be lost without them.

...you would know the running joke in my family about throwing wooden spoons at each other, among other things.

...you would know that I have a passion for photography and have been developing my skills in hopes of maybe...just maybe turning it into a side business.

...you would know I've been pregnant 3 times, having a miscarriage in between my two boys.

...you would know I have a love/hate relationship with March.  I love it because it's the month my husband, mother, and nephew were born.  I hate it because its when baby #2 was due.

...you would know that I suffer from depression and generalized anxiety.

...you would know that I was born and raised in the LDS (Mormon) church.  It's where I feel like my soul sings.  I hope you have that place too.  Maybe it's in the Catholic faith or Lutheran, or maybe just being in nature is where you find your spiritual heaven...being around spiritual people makes me want to have closer relationship to God and Jesus Christ.

...you would know that I'm very much an introvert...I'm really okay with being by myself and at home.  I actively have to schedule down time to recharge my batteries.

...you would know that I love the library & bookstores.  I could spend hours browsing the shelves to find new authors.

...you would know that my boys are 6 years apart, it wasn't planned that way, just how it happened.

...you would know that I favorite time of year is Fall.  The weather.  The beauty.  I just love it.

...you would know that I have kind of an obsession with pens.

...you would know that my idea of a perfect day is curled up in bed with several good books and a large cup of tea.

...you would know that I was a cheerleader in high school...GO WILDCATS!

...you would know that I was engaged before I was engaged to my husband.  I kept having panic attacks while planning that wedding.  I knew that if I had that much anxiety while planning the wedding, that he wasn't who I was suppose to be with.

...you would know I have hard time letting things and people go.  I'm working on it though.

...you would know that I love all kinds crafts and because of that I've become a little addicted to pinterest.

...you would know that it annoys my husband that I keep either the tv or radio on for background noise.  While I'm okay with total silence when I'm reading, when I'm doing things around the house I need noise to keep going.

...you would know that I don't wear my wedding rings.  They tear through gloves and since my last pregnancy the skin on my ring finger has been so sensitive that my finger swells after wearing my rings for a few hours.

...you would know that my husband is ginormous...he's 6'9" and I'm only 5'2".  I always get a kick out the stares we get when we are out and about because of our height difference.

...you would know that although I still am very much a tom-boy, I love everything pink and sparkly.

...you would know that I have a birth mark on my right knee in the shape of a perfect circle and thought for years that everyone should have one like me.

...you would know that I'm a country girl at heart, and would drop everything to move out into the country and raise my boys out in the openness with a garden and all kinds of animals.

our marriage by the numbers.

{ us then }

9 years

108 months

3285 days

78840 hours

4730400 minutes

2 moves

2 cities

7 jobs (4 his, 3 mine)

3 pregnancies

2 boys

1 miscarriage

numerous injuries/illnesses

thousands of fights

millions of kisses

and I would do each and every moment again.

Happy Anniversary, Sweet Pea

(a day late...but who's counting?)

{ us now}

currently :: fall

Evan and Harper at Sever's Corn Maze and Fall Festival

Joining Jenna for her 'currently' linkup...a day late...oops

thinking about ::  Fall!  Besides it being the theme for this week's currently linkup, Today is the official start of Fall!  I love fall here in Minnesota, not only because it's my favorite time of year, but because of the beautiful leaves and nice weather.  This time of year used to be filled with long trail rides with my mom.  I absolutely miss her since she moved to Kansas and the countless hours spent in the saddle.

watching :: I've been impatiently waiting for the start of the Fall season of T.V. to return.  We watched the new season of Big Bang last night, and I'm counting down to Thursdays on ABC.  While I haven't been a huge Scandel fan (simply because I never really had time to watch it), I can't wait to see the whole Shonda Rhimes lineup!

thankful for ::  my sister.  We haven't always been on the best of terms, but I've decided that she's going to be a new best friend.  Simply because we really do need each other.  I need an awesome person in my life (which she is...I don't know anyone else who can rock purple hair), and she needs support since her husband is over seas working.  In fact we have a lunch date on Saturday and then going to a church event together.

enjoying ::  fall...because it's fall...

photographing ::  I have been eyeing some new lenses and offered to take my sister's maternity pictures since they can be a bit pricey and I hope at some point to make a go at being a lifestyle photographer in years to come.  So I have been pining ideas here and I would love to see any ideas you have!

loving ::  erin condren planners...while I am still waiting for my planner that I ordered a few weeks ago, I can't wait to get my hands on the life planner I ordered.  I'm hoping that it will help curb my type A personality and really get us organized!

What are you up to currently?

hopes & plans

After taking some time away from this blog (not really planned...but life happens), it's time to get back into the swing of things.  So to start off, I'm joining Amanda for her weekly blog linkup called "hopes & plans".

Alex in the corn at Sever's Corn Maze

Since it's been a few weeks, I'm just going to start with a fresh game plan...but here is what I hope to get accomplished this week...

one :: hair cuts for the boys :: Evan has school pictures at the end of the week and Alex's hair is out of control, so tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to see if I can get some appointments made to have their hair cut tomorrow, if not before Friday.

two :: purchase a jogging stroller ::  I have been waiting to buy one F.O.R.E.V.E.R. and it's time since I want to get serious about running.  I can't always fit in a run before I need to get the boys from daycare, and my little stroller isn't going to cut it.  I don't necessarily need a BOB jogging stroller (and I don't really want to spend a good $500 on a stroller either) but I need to find one that will last a while.

three :: run/walk 20 miles ::  Since I'm hoping to get into running...it's time to set goals...

four :: patch evan's jeans :: Evan is total boy, this means that he goes through the knees in his jeans quickly, and since I don't want to buy new jeans every other week, I need to patch them.  

five :: make it to JoAnn's :: I have a few DIY projects planned for this blog and for my home, but it means that I need to squeeze in a run to JoAnn's.  

six :: start the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University DVDs :: My father bought us the at home kit since trying to make it to a class was out of the question with our crazy schedule.  We are trying to get ourselves financially secure and to a place where we can buy our first (and hopefully forever) home in the next 5 years or less.

seven :: work on my 30 by 30 list ::  Next July I turn 30...eep!  and I really want to make this next year count.  I'm giving myself until Labor Day 2015 to finish the list...but first I need to make it!  Any ideas?

eight :: lose 3 pounds ::  One of the biggest things on my 30 by 30 list is to finally lose the baby weight and be in the best shape of my life by the time I turn 30.  While I'm not quite ready to completely lay out my weight loss plan, I do want to start it off by losing 3 pounds this week.

Wow!  It's quite the list, but it's a good list.  Here's hoping I can get it all done!  What are you up to this week?